How Not to Pick Up Ladies

My friend KS and I went to the fantabulous movie I profiled on Tuesday, 9500 Liberty. The movie was complex and fascinating, but I can't say the same about our cocktail hour across the street. Ok, the drinks themselves at Telluride were lovely and the bartender charming, but the evening was marred by the saddest excuse for a pickup attempt that I have ever known.

By way of background, both my friend and I are married. The way we communicate that to the world is in this very secret and subtle way: big fat wedding rings. KS and I are in mid-catchup conversation when a man with a face like a hot air balloon and a body to match asks if he can buy us a drink. "Thank you, but we are all set," I say.

He and his budget haircut Indian friend then say "can we sit here?" No problem. I move my purse to the ground so that these guys can randomly sit next to us at the otherwise empty bar. Although I'd moved my purse, they commence aggressive hovering. Then - as if we don't hear them - one guy says to the other "should I proceed?" The other guy responds "proceed!" If that sounds like a conversation one would have before a painful, invasive medical procedure, you're not far off.

The balloon shaped guy asks about the book I am reading. When I begin to answer, he cuts me off to ask another equally inane question. He asks about what we do for a living, and then proceeds to ask questions about said job that demonstrate convincingly that he has no idea what we do for a living.

The next chapter featured a very long dissertation on what he does for a living. I told him with my eyes that we didn't care, but he doesn't speak squinting. After another few minutes of cringe-inducing banter, I explained that my friend and I "enjoyed meeting them but would really appreciate a chance to catch up with one another." In some respects, that did the trick. And yet, someone's butt continued to nudge up against the back of my chair and bump bump bump it for the next half hour - which of course is charming. It was then that my friend leaned over and told me that they too were wearing wedding rings. Extra charming.

So gentlemen, what can we learn from this? I suggest the following tips for picking up ladies:
- Don't be married.
- Don't hit on obviously married ladies.
- When you are planning your sad pickup efforts, you should refrain from talking about them in a way that (1) your targets can hear and (2) reveals that you talk like a Comic-Con devotee.
- If you insist on asking irritating questions you don't really want the answer to, let the woman answer the freaking question.
- If at all possible, don't ask the stupid question.
- Under no circumstances should you ask follow up stupid questions.
- Nobody cares what you do for a living. If they do care, they will ask.
- Don't ask questions that provide conclusive evidence that you are an idiot.
- Pairs of men should feature a minimum of one attractive man. Double wingmen is a recipe for failure.

(photo from Mike Schmid, flickr.com)